In this episode, we’re addressing an often painful topic: toxic parents – difficult-to-deal-with parents.
“Hey, wait a second Nancy – my Mom is a gem – everyone loves her; she volunteers at the church and reads to children after school. The homestead is a showcase at Christmastime.”
Well, that’s great that you have such a wonderful mama – it is a genuine blessing, and I’m not going to take that away from you. Not everyone has such a circumstance – I’m not talking to you today.
If you felt a tightness in your chest when you heard that phrase, you’re not alone. Many of my clients, even those in their 50s, 60s, and 70s, struggle with parents who continue to be everything from uncooperative to downright mean, manipulative, critical, accusatory, controlling, demanding until they get their way – downright challenging to be around. It doesn’t matter how old you are – these patterns can follow us throughout our lives.
But here’s the good news: You have choices. You can reclaim your peace and autonomy while protecting yourself and your future. I hope by the end of today’s podcast, you will have a few nuggets of wisdom to pull from this episode that will help you do that.
How Toxic Parents Impact Adult Children
Let’s start by acknowledging the reality: People are difficult. Not everyone has the same foundation from which they operate on a day-to-day basis, right? Families can be just as tough. They can be the source of a lot of pain and discomfort. You grew up in the same family, but the result has different individuals operating in life with different objectives, thought patterns, habits, motivations, or lack thereof.
We all have challenges with people around us. Having a family that you love to be around and that loves and supports you is a true blessing. It’s a fallen world – so not all of us have that. Part of the journey is maneuvering through those challenges, keeping yourself intact, and figuring out how to love someone that is difficult in a place of peace.
So, what do you do – how do you navigate caring for parents – that are not the stereotypical model family? Do you hold true to your boundaries and core beliefs in those challenges where you are asked to care for a loved one that may not see eye-to-eye with your values or truths? Maybe you’ve struggled a long time with parents that were not exactly supportive – you’re still carrying around a lot of pain, guilt, and now you find yourself in a position where you have to care for them. Does any of this sound familiar? Those toxic individuals operate from a position of pressure:
- Maybe they manipulate you with guilt or fear. If you don’t, this will happen…
- Despite your care and support, they still criticize your choices, no matter what you do.
- Maybe they have no gratitude and instead make you feel like you’re never good enough.
- It can leave you exhausted, defeated, dreading the next time you have to interact with these people.
If this sounds familiar, I want you to know it is not your fault. Toxic family dynamics are not easily changed, and your job is not to fix them. Instead, your responsibility is to protect your own mental, emotional, and financial well-being.
To be honest with you… people come to see me often to set plans in place to prepare for difficult people in the future – they also plan to protect themselves from those difficult people getting into a position where they make decisions for them. Difficult people – family members – can be the source of conflict – including legal conflict – ruin family relationships and cost a fortune for those involved. Been there with clients, and that’s not the place you want to be. It’s my hope that with my counsel and expertise, you will find a higher road – a more peaceful path. Not easy – especially if you are a caregiver – even in the midst of the difficulty – there are some truths to remember and hold close to you.
Let’s talk about choices. This is a tough idea for me to wrap my head around. Whether it feels true or not – everyone has the freedom to make their own decisions. You cannot make someone else’s decisions for them. I know this – I want you to operate from a position of better awareness and understanding when it comes to making more educated decisions about your future and the aging process.
Some of my own family members do not make what I evaluate as good decisions. I may want better for them – in fact, I do – but if it’s not what they want – I’m asking myself to do the impossible.
Maybe what they want is not realistic – do you still have to do it? Do you need to extend yourself financially beyond what you’re able to do? That’s our choice, isn’t it – although it’s not easy.
Now, definitely a word of context here: If you’re in a circumstance where the person is of diminished capacity, they can be more difficult on a different level – desire even a duty to protect those who are incapacitated – that is a different type of challenge – and a difficult one because dementia can change someone’s personality drastically. That’s not what I’m talking about here. Anybody that is ill, disabled, or not in their right mind needs special care – not to be ignored.
Today, I’m focusing on the otherwise lucid but plain old difficult individuals. If they are your parents, then you are likely to operate from a long line of conditioning and circumstances that started when you were very young. It doesn’t make them right.
Many adult children feel trapped in patterns of people-pleasing or tolerating mistreatment to avoid family conflict. I see this with clients who fear setting boundaries because they worry it will ruin the family dynamic or cause their parents to disinherit them.
Here’s the truth: You are an adult, and you get to decide what kind of relationship you have with your parents. You may not be able to change them, but you can change how you interact with them, how much access they have to you, and how you protect your peace. Even if you find yourself in a circumstance where there is a question or choice as to whether you will accept caring for them. That’s your choice.
Let’s explore 10 practical strategies to protect your peace around toxic parents or other family members:
1️⃣ Stop Trying to Please Them.
It’s normal to want your parents’ approval, but toxic parents are often impossible to please. Living to please them keeps you trapped and drains your joy.
2️⃣ Set and Enforce Boundaries.
Boundaries are not mean; they’re necessary. They define how others can treat you.
Remember:
- It’s okay to limit contact.
- It’s okay to say no.
- It’s okay to go no contact if necessary for your safety and mental health.
Reflect:
- What boundary do I need with my parents? Maybe it’s a financial boundary that you need to set? Maybe it’s circumstance where you need to hire a professional to care for them because you cannot take time off from work or something else to care for them and your family.
3️⃣ What’s one step I can take toward setting it?
- Therapist or Counselor: A mental health professional can provide guidance, coping strategies, and a safe space to talk about your feelings.
- Support Groups: Look for local or online support groups for individuals with toxic family dynamics. Sharing experiences with others can be validating and helpful.
- Friends or Trusted Family Members: Sometimes, talking to someone you trust can provide emotional support and perspective.
- Hotlines: If you’re in distress, consider calling a helpline. Many organizations offer support for those dealing with family issues.
- Legal Help: If the situation involves abuse or legal concerns, contacting a lawyer or legal aid organization may be necessary.
- Professional caregivers. Meet the need – don’t punush yourself – maybe you’re not the best person for the job. Hire someone to care for them within their budget – often times find that difficult individuals – sweet as pie to the independent caregivers – makes you look at them wondering whether it’s the same person. If it works – that’s a better option.
4️⃣ Trying to fix your parents will leave you drained and resentful.
Focus on what you can control:
- Your choices.
- Your responses.
- Your boundaries.
5️⃣ You don’t owe your parents your personal details, especially if they use them against you.
Ask:
- What feels safe to share with them?
- What doesn’t feel safe?
6️⃣ Have an Exit Strategy.
When things deteriorate during a visit, give yourself permission to leave.
- You are not required to stay to keep the peace.
- You can create a signal with your partner to leave when needed.
Reflect:
- What is my plan to exit a toxic situation calmly?
7️⃣ Don’t Try to Reason with Them.
You cannot reason with someone who is irrational, emotionally immature, or intoxicated.
Be assertive but avoid power struggles. As I often remind clients:
“You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to.”
8️⃣ You’re Not at Their Beck and Call.Toxic parents often expect you to drop everything for them. You can say no.
You are not their 24/7 helper, therapist, or emotional punching bag.
Reflect:
- How does it feel to recognize I am not obligated to meet every demand?
- Can I release guilt for taking care of myself?
9️⃣ You Don’t Have to Spend Holidays with Them.
You deserve holidays that are peaceful, not stressful.
It’s okay to:
- Create your own traditions.
- Celebrate with friends or other family.
- Skip toxic family gatherings entirely.
Reflect:
- What traditions would I like to change to reduce stress?
1️⃣0️⃣ Take Care of Yourself.
Toxic family dynamics are draining. You need to prioritize your well-being:
- Eat well.
- Rest.
- Move your body.
- Connect with positive people.
- Seek therapy or support groups if needed.
Ask yourself:
- What do I need right now to care for myself?
What questions do you have? I’d love to hear from you. If you like the podcast, share it with a friend, and follow us on Facebook and YouTube. If you need help with estate planning or administration, reach out for a strategy session.
🔑 For help, visit https://www.NancyCogar.com
🎙Listen to Boomer Time with Nancy Cogar on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0fxgUg1FwgfazDEDWnqnoS
🎙Listen to Boomer Time with Nancy Cogar on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/boomer-time-with-nancy-cogar/id1725555845
🎙Listen to Boomer Time with Nancy Cogar on iHeartRadio: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-boomer-time-with-nancy-cog-272050488/
✨Follow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nancy.cogar
Disclaimer: The information provided on this website and on the podcast is not intended to be considered as legal advice or constitute an attorney/client relationship as provided under the Tennessee Rules of Professional Conduct.
