For many, the holidays are the most stressful time of the year, and I’m sure you have stories—I know I do! We’re nearing Halloween, but I’m already talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas.
These holidays deserve some caution and planning, especially when older adults are involved. Family functions can be few and far between these days, and we want to make them memorable, but not in a bad way. So, let’s dive into 10+ tips to help you navigate family gatherings this holiday season.
1. Plan for Family Function (and Dysfunction!)
Holiday gatherings can be overwhelming with all the stimulation, noise, and stress. It’s crucial to set boundaries to protect your peace.
- Set Clear Expectations: If you’re hosting, make the start and end times clear on your invitation. If you’re a guest, understand that it might not be “crash on the couch” time.
- Curate Your Obligations: You are not obligated to accept every invitation. It’s okay to say “no” if an event adds another layer of stress. You’re not being a Scrooge; you’re prioritizing your well-being.
2. Find Your Space: Operation Gilmore
Sometimes, you just need a moment to yourself.
- Give Yourself a Time Out: Identify a safe space where you can retreat and decompress.
- Anticipate Problems: If a gathering has a history of being difficult, plan your reactions beforehand. You can’t control others, but you can control your response.
- Politely Exit Conversations: If a conversation turns unpleasant, excuse yourself and walk away.
- Consider a Short Visit: If a gathering usually becomes a “tinderbox,” consider dropping in for a short period. If your hosts don’t like it, it might be better to skip it entirely, especially if there’s a history of abuse.
- Remember Your Holiday, Your Rules: This season is your holiday season. You are not obliged to follow someone else’s agenda, even if it’s a parent’s.
3. Keep it Light: The Art of Redirection
Avoid unnecessary strain and conflict.
- Change the Subject: If a sensitive topic arises, gently redirect the conversation.
- Avoid Triggering Situations: Don’t put yourself in circumstances that will increase your stress levels.
4. No Alcohol: Loose Lips Sink Ships
Alcohol can lower inhibitions and lead to regrettable conversations. Consider a dry holiday to avoid unnecessary drama.
5. Plan Serious Discussions for Another Day
The holidays are not the time for heavy family discussions. If you’re staying with family for more than a few hours or days, schedule important conversations for a neutral time and place, perhaps even outside the holiday period.
6. Keep It Simple
The holidays don’t need to be an extravagant affair like they were 20 years ago.
- Prioritize What Matters: Focus on visiting family and parents seeing grandchildren, rather than elaborate decorations or multiple trees.
- Simplify Meals: Cater, cook, or order out – whatever makes it easier for you.
- Expand the Schedule: Spread out activities to reduce pressure.
7. Let It Go
Walk away from “button pushers” and take a moment to breathe. Not every comment or action deserves a reaction.
8. Keep Holiday Holy
Remember the overall reason for the holiday, whether it’s religious, spiritual, or simply a time for gratitude and connection.
9. Decide Not to Go: Create Your Own Holiday
It’s absolutely okay to opt out of traditional gatherings and create your own holiday experience.
- Define Your Ideal Holiday: Figure out what you want your holidays to look like. Some thrive on constant activity, while others need a balance of social interaction and personal downtime.
- Tailor Your Plans: Fit your plans to your life and obligations. It’s impossible to deliver a “perfect” holiday if you have small children, a demanding job, or less energy as you get older.
- Alternative Ideas:
- Send your regards and enjoy a “PJ day” at home.
- Visit with a friend.
- Enjoy quiet time.
- Watch classic movies.
- Turn your phone off.
- And most importantly: don’t apologize for your choices.
10. Social Media Detox
Take social media (and newsletters) with a grain of salt during the holidays. Remember that most “happy and oh-so-perfect” images are highly curated. This season is the perfect time to give social media a rest.
11. Coping with Missing Family or Estrangement
If you’re missing family due to death, illness, or estrangement, remember that your story is yours to tell (or not). You are not obligated to answer invasive questions about your holiday plans. It’s okay to be vague. Adult child and parent estrangement is not a rarity, so there’s no shame in your experience.
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