Episode 28: Honoring Our Fathers

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I had such great memories with my own father up there in Rhode Island.  My father loved sailing and I remember a time when the tall ships were in the U.S. and they were all anchored in Newport, Rhode Island. For those of you who are not familiar with the term “tall ship”.

A tall ship is a large, traditionally-rigged sailing vessel – with the long masts and rigging up to the top with big broad sails.  If I remember correctly, all those ships were in the harbor for the 200 anniversary of America’s establishment in 1976.   That was a once-in a lifetime opportunity looked somewhat like what I would imagine the harbor would have looked like back in the colonial period.  The fact that they were all crowded in the harbor together was amazing on its own.

On this episode of Boomer Time, we are taking time to honor faithful fathers with Father’s Day approaching.  I thought it might be helpful to share some ideas as to how you might do something helpful for your father this Father’s day, especially if he is aging and having a harder time getting around – so that’s what I aim to do.    

I find that men, especially older men can be reluctant to complain.  They can also be reluctant to ask for help.   Boomers are the 1946-1964 and a lot happened during that time period.  That’s on the tail end of World War II but some of these men would have been those who serve military during Korean War or in Vietnam.  If you were born during this time, you were part of that post-world war population explosion.    Today, you’d typically be in your late 50s to 70s.  Boomers collectively have worked hard and as they age and pass away, the value of their estates’ represent the largest transfer of wealth in the history of America.

Also needs increasing as they age puts pressure on the health care industry.  Those are two reasons why I established Boomer Time. I want you and your loved ones to be better prepared for what’s ahead.   – This demographic of Boomers is aging and its known as the “silver tsunami” which is a metaphor used to describe population aging; specifically, baby boomers reaching the age of 65 starting in 2011.^[1][2] This demographic will include a massive expansion to the number of people living in first world nations over the age of 80.

“In 2020, there were 55.8 million people age 65 and over in the United States (16.8% of the total population), up 38.6% from 40.3 million in 2010.” The World Health Organization has forecasted that the number of people ages 60 and older worldwide will increase from 1 billion in 2020 to 1.4 billion in 2030 and 2.1 billion by 2050.

You need to be prepared as there is increasing pressure on systems and supports and also in putting a plan in place so that the people you trust can take care of you if and when you are not able to do that anymore.  Seventy percent of people have no plan in place.  No plan is a plan to fail.

So I’m hoping that this Father’s Day that maybe I can encourage some of you to encourage Dad to take some proactive steps in planning for his older years. I am going to share a few ideas about how to do that.

Did you know that Father’s Day is NOT a federal holiday?  That seems strange to me.  Of course it does fall on a Sunday, but it’s not a federally recognized holiday like Mother’s Day.   Some states have recognized Father’s Day including Arizona, but not all states have officially recognized Father’s day as a holiday. Also, it’s not a recognized holiday in Tennessee. That makes me go hmmm.

Father’s Day originated as a memorial service which was held for a large group of men who were killed in a coal mining accident in West Virginia back in 1907.  Three hundred and sixty two miners, many of them fathers were killed.  

Honoring our parents is important.  There is a commandment in the Old Testament requiring us to honor our parents and it’s the first commandment with a promise attached to it that we will live a long life, if we honor our mother and father. Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:2 includes a warning to mouthy and/or sarcastic children who demean or belittle their parents are on a path to destruction. 

Generally honoring our parents should include the following:

• Showing love and respect
• Sharing activities together
• Passing on shared values to your own children, including those that your father fostered like his life accomplishments, and qualities.

Now I know relationships can be difficult and not everyone has fond memories of their father or mother – but they are people too – which means they are imperfect and on this Father’s Day edition, I am going to talk about ways to honor your father, even the imperfect ones. 

So I wanted to share a story I came across that I thought was really touching as to a Father who had died.

Story: This father had died unexpectedly and at a relatively young age of 78 years old.  He was a good father and loved by his family.  When he died, his family was crushed and heartbroken which was made even worse by the unexpectedness of his passing. The family arranged for a memorial service to honor their father.   hat day came when they had the memorial service, and they were all gathered in the church for the celebration of their father’s life.  One daughter felt her phone vibrating in her purse in the middle of the celebration which was embarrassing, and she thought – “who would be calling me now, during her father’s memorial service.” She ignored it for the time and the memorial service went on as planned.  After the service was over, the daughter looked at her phone that had been buzzing and there was a text message that read: “Hi, this is your Dad.  I just wanted to let you know that I made it home.”  

It was a wrong number, but the message was still comforting and the daughter took it as a sign that her father wanted them to know that he had completed his journey home to heaven. 

How many fathers are out there? There are 121 million men over the age of 15 in the United States, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Among them, 75 million are fathers to biological, step or adopted children. That’s about six in 10 men. Most of them, around 61%, became dads in their 20s. Another 20% became dads between the ages of 30 and 34.

Of the 35 million fathers with children under 18, 1.7 million of them are single dads, in that they are living with a child with no spouse or partner present, according to the Census Bureau. In total, 46% of dads have children under 18, the rest have adult children, and about 1 in 4 are grandfathers.

In a survey by the Pew Research Center, most dads said being a parent is rewarding and central to their identity. But 63% said they spent “too little” time with their children. So, if you have a dad in your life who’s still around, make sure to call him soon.

There are seven commonly neglected problems that when addressed can have a measurable improvement on an older person’s quality of life.   I thought you might gain some inspiration from some of these as to how you might honor your dad this Father’s Day.

Here are 7 commonly neglected problems when it comes to aging.

1. Fall Prevention. Falls can almost always be prevented and when they occur they can have traumatic effects, even death.   They often lead to further restrictions in activities and are a major reason that older adults find themselves no longer able to live at home. Did you know that you can install help with accessibility that can lead to avoiding falls? Did you know that opening up pathways in the house can also help – maybe rearranging the furniture.  All of this is very simple but is ignored too often and after a fall the senior is no longer able to stay home.  Accessibility helps are also considered “spend down” items meaning that when you make these improvements to the house so that an older adult can get around more easily, these expenses can be tallied against a future spend down that you might face, if and when there may be a need for nursing home care and you’re looking for help with Medicaid or TennCare. This can be significant and there are a lot of items on the list.  I’ll post that list on my website and it will be available for you.
2. Memory Concerns. Those also often go unevaluated.  Sometimes its fear that it might uncover a more serious cognitive disorder and/or maybe its just hard ground to tackle. Talking about it with your parents in a loving way, can make an improvement in their quality of life.  A cognitive evaluation can and does lead to a better determination as to the extent of a potential issue and it can also uncover otherwise treatable conditions including and not limited to foggy brain and/or other side effects from medications, thyroid problems or even UTI’s. Sometimes it’s a hearing problem that’s at issue. 
3. Depression.   Depression to some extent is very common with those struggling with illness or involved with caregiving.  Both can be socially isolated. Ignoring it won’t help. A proper diagnosis can help as can medication which can help with mood and even chronic pain.
4. Urinary Incontinence. This is embarrassing and no one wants to talk about this one.  Fact is it is really common with older adults and not properly addressing it can lead to social isolation and limits on physical activities.  There are all kinds of products out now and medications that can help with this. 
5. Pain. 50 percent of adults 65 and older experience some pain ever month and its usually in multiple places on the body.   Talk about limiting your day.  Persistent pain is linked to decreased social and physical activities and depression.  Not being able to get around also leads to a decrease in an individual’s ability to take care of one’s own health. 
6. Isolation and Loneliness. A recent study found that 43 percent of older adults report feeling lonely.  People need engagement and purpose. 
7. Polypharmacy. Taking too many medications or lack of proper medicine management. CDC reports that every year almost 200,000 older adults visit the ER due to medication issues. 

So, if you’ve noticed any of these issues with your parents or a spouse, you might find some time to talk about it with your loved ones.     It may seem scary but if you approach it in the right manner and tone, it can result in some improvements in your loved one’s daily quality of life.  You may find that they want to talk about it too – If it’s hard – be honest about the difficulty in bringing it up and that you love them. 

Here’s another approach – ask questions and listen to the responses – take time before responding. Here are some sample questions that you can use: 

1.  How can I help you?
2.  Proposal – Let’s work together on ________________.
3. What do you need?
4. What do you want?
5. What is most important to you?

So you can also talk to them about the importance of making some planning decisions and start that conversation.   Estate planning needs to be done while someone has the capacity to enter into those types of planning.   They become active often times upon incapacity and are durable so that they don’t lapse based on that decline.  Make sure that someone they trust with that decision making has the authority to make those decisions in that circumstance. 

Few final thoughts on the impact father’s have on our lives with a few thoughts from famous folks: 

Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad, and that’s why I call you dad, because you are so special to me.”

-Wade Boggs

“A good father will leave his imprint on his daughter for the rest of her life.”

-Dr. James Dobson, “Solid Answers”

“Dads are most ordinary men turned into heroes, adventurers, storytellers and singers of song.”

-Pam Brown

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

-Clarence Budington Kelland

“What kind of man does not give up his time, his many pleasures, but hands them over without a sound. What kind of man bends to hold them in their suffering, in their questions, in their garbled turns of phrase. What kind of man admits his failures, turns over his heavy stones, stands at the feet of grief and wanting does not turn away. What kind of man becomes a father. A lasting place. A steady ship inside a tireless storm.”

-Kate Baer, “What Kind of Woman”

“The difference between a ‘man’ and a ‘father’ is that the former shares his genes, but latter gives his life.”

-Craig D. Lounsbrough

Happy Father’s Day to every father and father figure out there. I want you to know that you matter.

Resources mentioned in this podcast:

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